The Lie of Love

The Conscious Relationship Series #5
by Allan Hardman

Could it be possible that we were lied to about love? I think so. I think we have been taught a big lie about Love. To understand the origin of the lie, we need to go back to a time, not too long ago, in a place, not so very far away. That is the time you were a small child.

In that time not too long ago, you were domesticated. You were taught what was good and what was bad, what was right, and what was wrong. Your parents and caregivers were invested in a reality they had been taught, with all of its beliefs and agreements. They believed their reality was the truth, and it was very important to teach it to you. Of course, it was a totally arbitrary reality based on what they had been taught, and had nothing to do with any actual "Reality." They didn't know that-- the Toltec wisdom says they were "dreaming." (For more about how we dream reality, look for the link to "The Perfect Dream" in the Notebook on, or subscribe to my newsletter and I will send it to you).

So your caregivers taught you their version of good and bad. In order to do that, they needed you to be afraid of the consequences of not believing them. It was called "behaving," but it was more about you believing the reality of their dream, and agreeing to deny yours. They told you they were the source of approval, acceptance, safety, and love in your life. We all learned from our caregivers that in order to receive our share of this very vital commodity we had to behave according to their demands.

What we learned in childhood is ubiquitous throughout our entire culture, and taught to each crop of new humans: "Love is a commodity that lives outside of you, and you must be good, do it right, behave, and perform properly, in order to receive your share."

That is the lie of love.

When your domestication began, the first thing "they" had to do was create fear in you, so you would be and do and feel and behave as they required. The fear they taught you was the fear of punishment, the fear of rejection, the fear of not getting the commodity of love and acceptance. They convinced you to forget yourself as love. You had no choice but to agree.

They taught you the lie of love.

I am here to remind you of the truth: You are Love, you are Life itself. You are an individual unique manifestation of the Divine Oneness. You are creation's gift of love to this universe. You are LOVE! You are LIFE! There is nothing you need to get right to earn that, no way you have to behave to deserve it. You ARE it!

In our romantic relationships, we domesticate each other. We tell each other, through words and thousands of subtle signals, how we expect each other to behave in order to earn and hold onto our love. We use the reward of acceptance and attention, and the punishment of judgment and rejection to enforce our relationship domestication. And what is even more bizarre, we do it to ourselves in our own inner worlds!

I invite you to deny the lie of love. There is nothing you must do to earn love, and no dance you need to do to keep it. Love is not a commodity; it is the truth of who and what you are.

You are an unlimited source of Love. Please share it freely with yourself and others!

Thank you.



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Allan Hardman is an author and expert on personal and spiritual transformation, relationships, emotional healing-- and a Toltec Master in the lineage of don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements.™ Allan teaches in Sonoma County, CA, and from “The House of the Eagles,” his winter home in Chacala, Nayarít, Mexico. He guides Journeys of the Spirit to sacred sites in Mexico, and hosts wellness vacations in Chacala. He is the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book, and co-author of two books with Deepak Chopra, Caroline Myss, Dr. Andrew Weil, Prince Charles, and others. Visit Allan’s extensive website at, and TACO, his online spiritual membership community.