up in the middle of the night and wrote down five things, and
went back to sleep. In the morning, I found them, and thought
they were interesting, and began talking about and teaching them.
I tried to add a couple, and change the order, but they finally
settled down as the original five. These five new agreements that
can break many of the old beliefs and agreements that limit how
you love are summarized here, and will be available as a book
one of these days.
To order an individual CD of each agreement or a set of all five
(recorded live at a singles group), go to the Joydancer
this new Millennium, there is a growing awareness that
old forms of relationship are not working, and that something
new is needed. The old agreements about why people enter into
romantic partnerships and what happens in those relationships
are not serving many people. In the past, the rules of relationship
were relatively structured and well enforced by families and cultures.
Many relationships were based on the need for security and financial
well being in an uncertain world. Often, mates were chosen based
on others' expectations, class, race, or religious backgrounds.
financial independence being available to most, and ethnic and
cultural distinctions blurring, men and women are left more to
their own discernment and integrity for choosing mates and establishing
the rules and expectations of relationship. Along with this freedom
has come increasing confusion and uncertainty in relationships
of romance and marriage.
It is exciting
that there are many new models of relationship being offered and
tested in the laboratory of human experience.
are based on agreements. The largest percentage of those agreements
are usually unconscious and unspoken. In order to create relationships
that serve the highest good of individuals and society, I suggest
that we must create new agreements that are conscious, spoken,
and based on integrity and self love.
Five Agreements for The New Relationship are my suggestions for
breaking the old dreams of romance and relationships of all kinds.
Once we have awareness of the old agreements, and are ready to
discard those that do not serve us, we can go about the work of
replacing them with new ways of relating and respecting each other.
These new agreements are applicable in romantic relationships,
of course, but also have value in your relationships with parents
and children, friends and neighbors, bosses and employees, and
ultimately and most important, with yourself.
feedback, experience, and suggestion are always appreciated.
"Your nature is Love. You are the source of Love in your life."
Love is a
grand and wonderful thing. It has been exalted, suffered, and
written and sung about since the beginning of time.
of Love and the expression of romantic relationship has evolved
and grown with changing needs, religions, and economic conditions.
It is a great challenge for individuals and cultures to change
traditions and morals to keep pace with the evolution of the human
mind. I can think of no area of our western society more in need
of change than this, and at the same time more resistant to that
change. There is probably no emotion more misunderstood, distorted,
and confused than "Love."
In the Old
Dream, you agreed that others were the source of love, and that
you had to bargain for that love. Love became a commodity that
lived outside of yourself, you needed it to survive, and you had
to be good and get it right in order to assure your share of the
into this world through Love, as Love, being Love. You were the
manifestation of Life itself. You came here knowing no fear, no
judgment, no conditions, and had no expectations. You simply WERE.
In order to gain the acceptance of parents, teachers, playmates,
and religious leaders, you learned to deny your truth and accept
theirs. The first truth you had to deny was the truth that you
were and ARE Love.
If you believe
that love is a commodity that lives outside of yourself, and that
you have to be good or get it right to earn and receive that love
from someone, you will suffer. There will always be the undercurrent
of fearó the fear that you will not be good enough or will not
do it right enough. Even in the moment of receiving love, there
is the fear that you will do something to lose it. In that fear,
you are not open to actually fully receive the love that you have
worked so hard to deserve. You came into this Life as Love, as
Life itself. Even though you were required to agree otherwise,
it is still true. It was never the truth that love was a commodity
outside of you. In order to enter The New Relationship, you must
break this old agreement. You must release the need for the love
from the outside, you must stop bargaining for your supply, and
you must stop offering your love as a bargain to others who are
searching for their supply. It does not serve you, and it is a
dream of love based on a lie.
Try out this
new agreement: "My nature is Love. I am the source of Love in
my life." Know that Love flows through you as Life itself, as
that Divine nature that is in and through all of Creation. There
is nowhere in Creation that this Divine Force is not present.
It is in and through YOU. It is your nature. It is now, and it
always has been what you are. Today, instead of going into your
world looking for sources of love, attention, or appreciation,
try going out there wondering where you can share YOUR love. How
many ways can you say "I love you" to your Beloved and all of
relationship is not about two or more people interacting, but
it is the dance of Love recognizing itself.
"You are not responsible for other people's
emotional reactions to your reality."
We saw in
Agreement #1 that you were taught to believe that the source of
love lives outside of you, like a commodity that you have to earn
by being good or doing it right. Once that agreement was made,
you were taught that you had the power to create emotional reactions
When a parent
says to a child: "You make me so angry when you spill your milk!
Why wonít you pay attention to what you are doing!!??" the message
is clear. The child learns that they have the power to make the
parent angry, and that it is not good to make the parent angry,
so they must do and be different than they areó which in this
case means "paying attention" (whatever that is!). You were taught
that it is bad to hurt other peopleís feelings, to be selfish
by taking the last cookie (1/2 of the cookie seems to be OK),
or to act in ways that make people angry. You learned to bargain
away your integrity and emotional truth to protect the feelings
of others. You agreed to create responses in them that assured
you that you were worthy of receiving your share of the love commodity.
#2 for The New Relationship challenges all of these "rules." It
affirms that you are not capable of creating emotional reactions
in other people. At the core of this new agreement is the understanding
that we are all "dreaming," and that each of us interprets reality
in our own way. Every one's emotional reactions arise from their
interpretations and assumptions, not directly from the actions
of others. You cannot create emotional reactions in others, and
they cannot create emotion reactions in you. You release your
illusion of control over other people's emotional reactions, and
trust them to deal with their own emotional realities.
to this agreement is: "You ARE responsible for YOUR emotional
reactions to other peopleís reality." You accept that your interpretations
of reality-- the stories in your dreaming mind-- create your emotional
responses, and you take full responsibility for them. You no longer
blame others for hurting or betraying you, nor do you believe
that others can make you happy. In The New Relationship, the partners
are free to be who they are and feel what they feel, and they
respect each otherís capacity to honor and embrace their own emotions.
They do not manipulate their integrity in the name of taking care
of their beloved.
New Agreement #3:
"Being the source of love, you are complete within yourself."
Many of us
learned, as children, to deny or disown parts of ourselves in
order to earn the love and acceptance that we needed to survive.
These disowned parts of the self we pushed into the "shadow,"
and those aspects of the self that were acceptable became the
If you were
criticized for being lazy, you might have become very industrious.
If you were shamed for being messy, you may have adapted by becoming
exceedingly neat. If your feelings were rejected, perhaps you
learned to deny them and to be very intellectual and thoughtful.
Whatever the strongest (and most defended) aspects of your personality
are, you will probably find a corresponding part that has been
disowned because of the judgment of others.
longs for a reunion of these wounded parts, and searches the world
for them, in the hope of reunion. Finding those lost parts of
the self in another person can be very familiar, and exciting.
If the other person also recognizes their split off parts of themselves
in you, you may know each other as the instant remedy for the
truth is that by projecting the lost parts of yourself on to another
person, what you are falling in love with is yourself. Thus, there
is no resistance nor boundaries to this love reunion. The experiences
of "Love at First Sight" and discovering a "Soul Mate" arise from
this mistaken belief that something lost inside can be found outside.
recognize that you are complete within yourself, and you know
you are the source of love in your life, you are able to see people
for who they truly are. You build your relationships on that reality.
The compatibility in your relationships comes from common interests
and values, rather than from the attractions of "Mutually Compatible
"The Truth is more important than the outcome of the Relationship."
is only for the brave of heart. You should not read this if you
are attached to the outcome of your relationship(s). The old agreements
about relationships insist that you should often sacrifice your
truth or integrity in order to take care of our partnerís feelings.
In the old system, when you believed that you could create emotional
responses in others, and believed that those responses were your
responsibility, it was important to create the appropriate response.
You were taught that to hurt other people's feelings was bad,
and to make them happy was good.
to create the appropriate responses, you learned to be aware of
what other people wanted and needed from you, and to change your
reality in order to give it to them. If they had "good" emotional
reactions to you, then the feedback you received was that you
were are good person. The fear of being a "bad" person is the
fear of rejection and abandonment, based on the old belief that
the source of love, comfort, and survival lies outside of you
(see New Agreement #1).
modify or deny your truth in order to satisfy the need of another,
we could say that you are creating a false self to be in relationship
with them. If they use the same agreements, they will create a
false self to be in relationship with you-- or, more accurately
your false self. The relationship then becomes two (actually many
more) false selves, manipulating their feelings, responses, and
integrity in order to be accepted by each other.
If you are
relating in this way, you may have said or thought; "I just don't
seem to feel very connected to my partner/ work/ friends/ life."
Perhaps that is because it is your false selves that are living
your life, not you.
In The New
Relationship, you know that you are the source of Love, not your
partner, friends, or work. You know that you can not control how
other people dream you, and their emotional reactions to you.
You are not holding on to anyone because you believe that they
complete you, and that if you lost them it would rip out your
soul and break your heart forever. You are willing to show up
and be yourself, in the truth and integrity of who you are, without
being attached or trying to control the outcome.
In The New
Relationship, you and your partner agree that each of your feelings,
your reality, and your truth are the most important aspects of
the relationship. You are willing to risk living as your true
self, and let the relationship grow and change accordingly. By
not being attached to the outcome of any relationship, you learn
to trust that all outcomes are perfect for you-- they are not
failures or successes, and have nothing to do with your value
In the past,
we have put our faith in our ability to control outcomes, to control
other people's emotional reactions with our careful behavior,
and hold onto love. With this new agreement, we are willing to
put our faith in Life itself, trusting that if we live Life as
who we came here to be, Life will unfold in front of us as a perfect
expression of who we are.
If you are
Life, and you live guided by the integrity that arises in you
as Life, then you will find that the Life you are resonates with
those aspects of Life in the world that are perfect for you. Your
partnerships, work, friendships and relationships with all of
Creation will resonate with the deepest parts of who you are,
and reflect back to you that perfection.
as you, show up in all of your relationships as who you are--
especially your relationship with yourself. Let go of your attachment
to the outcomes, and put your faith in Life. You will be very
"True happiness is the result of love coming out of you."
your nature is Love itself, you discover a happiness that cannot
be taken away from you. You are not concerned with how your love
is received, because it is your loving, as an expression of your
Divine nature, that fills you. Your only desire is to love all
of Creation, to see its perfection, and to know and love yourself
as a reflection of that perfection. You New Relationship is based
on this love. You are free to love without conditions or expectations.
You are free.